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Matthew Bey's Secret List of Aphorisms that Explain Everything

Pain and suffering has no cash value, aside from what you're willing to pay for it.

Avoid buying anything with a nylon zipper.

Libertarians are Republicans who think they're smarter than people who believe the same things they do.

Nobody who thinks that the perfect form of government is an elite cadre of Nietchze-esque supermen thinks that they themselves should be ruled by such a government.

The more someone thinks they're superior to anyone else, the less objective evidence they have to support that belief.

Anarchists are the bossiest people in the world.

There is no such thing as a selfless vegan.

Ideology is the first step toward atrocity.

There is nothing more natural than mass extinction.

Carbon emissions don't cause sudden climate change. Massive planetary impacts and volcanoes cause sudden climate change.

It's only a matter of time before everything you own is dirt. You don't need to obsess over your compost.

If the free market actually worked, nobody would ever buy bottled water.

Consumer desire is proportional to price, not value.

People work and scrimp their entire lives in order to pay for the medical care that will extend their lives by five pain-filled years.

Believe in what works.

If the natural outcome of your beliefs involves removing large sections of the population, or a massive spike in poverty, or a decrease in public health, then what you believe is wrong.

The cost of car insurance is so high because you're paying for the violent death of 50,000 Americans annually.

It would be nearly impossible to design a transporation system as inefficient and unsafe as the automobile.

Accupuncture has not worked for five thousand years, it's not going to start working now.

If you must use a placebo, you should use one that's cheap and doesn't involve talking to hippies.

Above five dollars, there's a steeply diminishing return of value for your meal.

You are not an individual.

Your feelings are not valid.

Arguments about God, love, and art are generally caused by the multiple conflicting definitions for those words.

The glass is not half empty. It is half full of urine.

There is no news on television.

The phrase "our caveman ancestors" will always be followed by total bullshit.

There is no such thing as artificial. Everything is a product of the natural environment.

There is nothing we can do to destroy all life on this planet, so don't worry about it. We're not that awesome.

Define the problem, research the subject, marshal your resources, and then get it done. The last step is cleaning up.

On any project you're going to spend the majority of your time trying to get that one bolt unstuck.

The primary function of the police is to define and enforce class boundaries.

The legal system only needs to provide the appearance of justice to fulfill its primary function.

The cops can arrest you at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all.

After the cops kick your ass, they will charge you with a crime proportional to the amount of violence they felt like inflicting on you.

It is cheaper and easier to be guilty than innocent.

Whenever the news tells you to be afraid, you can safely ignore the issue. When they tell you that there's nothing to worry about, then you're in big trouble.

Violence in the media does indeed cause violent crime. For instance, television coverage of 9/11 caused the invasion of Afganistan and Iraq.

Never vote for a politician who puts "mother" on their resume. You spent decades removing yourself from your mother's authority, why go back?

Democracy is a tool to make people complicit with their own oppression.

Any system, organism, bureaucracy, or project will expand to consume all the resources available.

An institution is what it does. So the legal system is primarily a device for putting people of color in jail, the war in Iraq is a way of giving money to Haliburton, Scientology is an excuse to sue people, and Christianity is a way to make America ill-educated.

Being cynical is the next best thing to being clairvoyant.

The gay marriage issue is primarily a conflict between hate and love.

In any election, about a third of the population will vote their hate, a third will vote their compassion, and a third won't give a damn.

Nobody wants to give you your rights. Rights are something that have to be taken.

Dietary and nutrition schemes exist within the ten-year cycle between someone making something up, the media turning it into a fad, and the clinical trials disproving it.

There are lots of other reasons to be a vegetarian. All of which are dopey.

People feel that they must love something if it makes them suffer. E.g. fraternities, the Marines, Texas, organized religion.

People have only two emotions: kinda, and more so.

A philosophy degree doesn't help you get a job. But it does help you realize how unimpressive everyone else's job is.

There is no such thing as artificial. Everything that exists is a part of the natural world.

It's perfectly possible that evolution isn't true. However, the theory of evolution has literally millions of credible and corroborative pieces of evidence. Creationism has exactly none.

Massive climate change doesn't take place over thousands of years. It takes place over the weekend.

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